Within My Mind Barriers
by butterflie
Summary: Yamato tells a story of sorts. Taito. Self-harm, Character Death.


  
Disclaimer: Digimon is not mine.   
  
Author's Notes: Once again, this is another fic that deals with self-injury in the form of cutting. If you can't handle it, or are sick of reading this type of stuff from me, go somewhere else. But this is a big issue with me right now, and it helps to write about it. Those who have experienced it can understand. There are probably triggers in here, so please read with this caution. This is a Taito. (yay!) I hope you enjoy it. If you can get used to all the switching povs, that is.   
  
**Within My Mind (Barriers)**  
by: _butterflie, formerly known as Crimson Goddess_  
start date: 13 December 2003 Saturday 9:02PM

My name is Ishida Yamato. I'm seventeen years old, I go to Odaiba High School, I live with my father, and my boyfriend cuts himself.  
Didn't quite expect that last one, did you?  
Me neither. But it's true. My boyfriend Yagami Taichi cuts himself. Where? Wherever he can. His arms, his legs, his chest, shoulders... if there's a piece of flesh not already marred by a million scars, then he'll gladly ruin it. Why does he do this? I don't know. He's depressed. I don't think even he knows the reason anymore. He's been doing it for two years now.  
What? Sure, it scares me. But what can I do? Tell someone, yeah. Only if I want to lose him. I know, his life should be more important than our relationship. And it is. But I'm not worried much that he'll kill himself. Everything on self-injury I've ever found says that it's never about dying. I don't think it's about dying with Taichi, either. He says it's about being alive, actually. I don't really understand it all, but he says he feels so dead inside that he cuts himself just to feel alive. Yet, he says when he's cutting, it doesn't hurt. I'm still puzzling that out.  
He told me last year. It was quite unexpected.   
  
"Taichi! Taichi!" I heard him calling my name, but I ignored him. I hurt. I felt so dead inside.. and I wanted to go feel alive again.  
I'd lost our team the championship. It had finally happened. The one thing I'd been good at, I finally screwed that up too. Quickly, before Yamato could catch up to me, I ducked into the locker room and stripped, shoving my clothes in my locker. I turned on the shower, trying to pretend the glares and quiet mutters from the other guys didn't hurt. I hopped in and pulled the thin curtain shut after me. In my left hand, I clutched my blade. I'd pulled it from my locker when I'd put my clothes up.  
It was madness to do this here, with everyone around me and Yamato after me, but I needed it so bad... I couldn't cope with this awful dead feeling inside me. I wanted to feel real again, feel alive.. I wanted to see the blood bubble up out of me, proving that I wasn't dead.  
I brought my shaking hand up, held the blade over my arm. Before I could change my mind, I lowered it and slashed. And kept slashing. The blood was washed away with the cool water beading down on me, and it mixed with my blood, pooling around the drain, a strange pinkish tint.  
"I'm alive," I muttered to myself. "I'm _not_ dead."  
"Taichi?" That was Yamato. And if he was in here, then the other guys must have left. How long had I been in here? I looked down at my arm and bit down on the gasp that automatically tried to leap from my throat. My arm looked absolutely awful. Worse than anything I'd ever done. I don't think there was a clean piece of flesh left, other than around my wrists.  
"Taichi? Is that you? Are you still in here?"  
Damn. I had to answer Yamato. I shut off the shower, and called out, "I'll be out in a second." My voice sounded fine, even sort of cheerful. I was confident it would fool Yamato, even if I felt anything but happiness. I stepped out and changed quickly, hoping my arm still wouldn't bleed too badly. Then I went to where Yamato was standing at the doorway of the locker room. I smiled at him and gave him a quick kiss.  
"Are you okay?" he asked me, sounding concerned.  
I smiled at him again and opened my mouth to reply when suddenly I burst into tears. I hadn't been expecting them at all, and was mad at myself for showing such weakness in front of Yama.  
"Taichi? Taichi! What's wrong?"  
I cried harder, and he wrapped his arms around me in a hug. He brushed against my arm, and I let out an involuntary hiss. It stung, real bad.   
  
"Taichi, please!" I was scared real bad, completely panicked. "What's wrong? Can't you tell me? Is it the game? Is it something else, please, please, just tell me!" I didn't know what to do. I'd never seen Taichi lose such control like that before. This was beyond frightening. I'd suspected for months that Taichi was bothered by something, but I hadn't thought it'd lead to a breakdown like this.  
"Taichi, tell me what's wrong." I was desperate, hoping if I commanded instead of begged, it'd work. It didn't. So I just held him instead, hoping that eventually he'd calm down enough to tell me what he was crying about. It was more than the game he'd just lost, I knew that much. You don't cry this much over something like that, no matter how important it is to you.  
Finally, he did calm down. I pulled him into the locker room and sat down against the wall, pulling him down and sitting him between my legs and wrapping my arms around his waist from behind.  
I rested my head on his shoulder. "Now, tell me what's wrong Taichi, please?"  
I both felt and heard him sigh. "I... well, have you ever.. do you know.." he kept trailing off, as if he didn't quite know how to say whatever it was he was wanting to tell me.  
"Do I know what?" I asked him, having no idea what he was getting at.  
"Self-injury."  
Those two, softly-spoken words made me freeze. I knew well what self-injury was. The school nurse had given a special assembly about it just last month, after some poor kid's secret was exposed.  
I raised my head and turned Taichi around. "Where? Let me see!"  
He began to cry again, but obediently rolled up his sleeves.   
  
I didn't expect it all. All those fresh cuts... they scared me. I didn't know as much about self-injury then as I do now. I was afraid he'd kill himself eventually. And if he's not careful when he cuts, there's always the chance he could seriously injure himself. I worry constantly about him, but he's begged me so many times to keep it secret, I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm the only one who knows. I wish he'd tell his parents. They could help him then. But he's afraid they'll hate him or something. I don't think they will. I don't quite understand why he's so scared.  
I did it myself, once. Just to see what it was he felt. I took a knife from the kitchen and ran it deep down my arm. Because all his cuts were deep, you see. I figured if I was to understand, I'd have to do it the way he did. It hurt like hell, and blood started gushing out of my arm. I panicked and had to call my dad.   
  
"Dad! I'm bleeding!"  
"Well, wrap it up then. You know how to do that, right?"  
"No, I'm bleeding a whole bunch, and I'm scared!" He sounded panicked, and I started to get a little concerned. It must be fairly serious if he was calling me at work.. so I rushed home. My son was standing at the kitchen sink, holding his arm over it. His arm that was currently _dripping_ with blood. I panicked too.  
"Jesus Christ Yamato, what happened?!" He didn't answer me, and I didn't really care just then. I just set to taking care of his arm as best as I could. As I was wrapping it up, I noticed a bloody knife sitting there on the counter. I picked it up and held it out to him. "Care to explain?"   
  
I blushed and took the knife. I didn't know how to explain without breaking Taichi's confidence. "I did it," I told him honestly.  
"Why?" he seemed confused, and more than a little concerned. Slightly scared, too.  
"Uh... I wanted to see what it was like."  
"Why on earth would you want to do a thing like that?"  
I looked away. "Cos I know someone who does it, and I was just trying to understand how they felt." "That's a hell of a stupid way to find out, Yamato! You could have seriously injured yourself!" He sounded angry, but I knew behind that facade, he was scared. I felt bad. I hadn't mean to scare him or anything, I really did just want to see what it was like.  
"I'm sorry," I mumbled.  
He sighed and pulled me into a hug. "Just promise me that you will never, _ever_ do something like that again!"  
"Promise," I said quietly.   
  
I frowned. "What'd you do to your arm?"  
He blushed, and looked down at it. "Uh.. I cut my arm."  
I scowled. "As in, you yourself? Or you cut it on something?"  
"Myself."  
"You idiot!" I smacked him hard, truly enraged. "Don't you dare start doing it too! Why the hell would you do that! Did you think it was cool, or fun? It's HELL, Yamato! Don't you ever do it again!"  
How the hell could he do that? He saw daily how much I suffered from it. So what could have possibly possessed him to go and start cutting himself? Granted, it was just that one cut, but that's all it took. That's how it happened with me. One cut, and I was hooked.  
"I only did it to understand you, Taichi!" Now he sounded angry too. I looked at him, startled.  
"Me...? What do you mean?"  
"I wanted to see what you felt, why you did it. I didn't understand, I thought if I did it, I could learn something."  
"And did you?" I asked him bitterly. So this is what my cutting does to other people. It was a mistake to tell him.  
He laughed sardonically. "Yeah. I learned it hurts like fucking hell and that it scared the hell out of my dad. And I still don't understand you."  
"I never asked you to understand me, you idiot."  
"You're my boyfriend! I hated seeing you hurt! I wanted to understand. I care about you, stupid. Of course, all I get out of it is an ugly scar.."  
"Don't you even _dare_ try to put that on me..." I whispered. Of course, it didn't matter if he did or not. I felt guilty anyways.  
"Don't worry, I won't. I'm responsible for my own actions." He smiled.   
  
Actually, the scar isn't all that bad. Or maybe I've just gotten used to it by now. I'm not sure which. Even so, it still upsets me. I hate seeing it there. But I don't blame Taichi, not really. Even if he was the reason I did it, it's not like he told me to do it. I can't hold him accountable. I acted on my own, and I know that.  
It really scared the hell out of dad, though. He was also really angry. He watched me real closely for a few months after I did it. I guess he wanted to make sure that I wouldn't start hurting myself or something. Which I wouldn't, of course. Seeing what Taichi goes through with it, everyday.. I could never do that. And I'm not depressed. Not really. Maybe a little down sometimes, but nothing like what Taichi suffers.  
Have you ever seen him hurting? It's not a pretty sight, trust me. What? Well, it's like.. it's so hard to describe. I remember, once he was extremely depressed. His parents and sister were gone somewhere, I don't remember. His sister? Her name's Hikari. She's my brother's age. 14. She's quite something else. But like I was saying, they were gone. So I thought I'd drop by, maybe play some video games with Taichi or something. Just hang out.  
So I went over to his apartment and rang the doorbell.   
  
"Taichi?" I waited a bit. "Taichi, are you there? You home?" There was no answer. It was a little strange. Taichi hadn't said anything about going out.. I remember him telling me he just planned to hang at home all day. He was glad for a chance to be away from his parents and sister. "I find it so nerve-wracking to be near them," he'd said. Of course it was because he was scared they'd discover his cutting.  
I knocked on the door. "Taichi?" Still nothing. I was starting to get a little scared. Luckily, Taichi had given me a spare key to his apartment in case something ever happened. I used it now, and let myself in.  
I slipped off my shoes without even thinking about it, then headed back towards Taichi's room, thinking maybe he just hadn't heard me. I knocked on his door, but he still didn't answer. If it turned out he'd went somewhere... on the one hand, I'd be relieved. But I'd also be really embarrassed and pissed off at him for worrying me.  
I opened the door and went into his room.   
  
He just looked dead, you know? I thought he was. Why? Well, he wasn't wearing a shirt or pants. He just had on boxers, and at first glance he appeared drenched in blood. Of course, it turned out a lot of that was just smeared. But it sure as hell didn't look that way. I let out a scream and rushed over to him. He sort of raised his head and gave out this creepy laugh, and that's how I knew he wasn't dead.   
  
"Yamato..." I laughed again. "What are you doing here?"  
He didn't bother with an answer, just yanked me up and hugged me tightly. All the cuts on my body screamed out in pain, but I didn't care one bit. I welcomed the pain.  
"Yamato. Guess what?"  
He sort of choked out something that could have been what.  
"I'm alive!" I responded happily. I laughed again. He let go of me, and I fell to the floor. I just continued to keep laughing. Imagine, Yamato came over here and saw me like this! I should be embarrassed, but I'm too happy. I'm alive! I feel! I'm not dead! Isn't it great?   
  
Crazy? Why should I think he's crazy? He's not crazy. Taichi has never been crazy. Next to me, Taichi is the sanest person I know. Haven't you ever heard the term 'nervous breakdown'? That's all it was. Taichi had just cracked under the pressure. He wasn't crazy.  
Drop him? Oh, you mean when I stopped hugging him? It was because he scared me. I'd never seen him like that before. It was frightening. No, I never thought of abandoning him. That's a stupid idea. No, I just cleaned all the blood off of him, and put peroxide over what cuts I could. He didn't seem to feel it. Or maybe he felt it and was just so happy to feel something that he didn't care whether it hurt or not. I don't know. Well, after the peroxide, I dragged all the bandages out of his medicine cabinet and bandaged what I could. His arms, some of his chest, his thighs. I ran out of bandages, so I couldn't wrap everything. He probably would have looked like a mummy, anyways, if I did.  
Well, I'm laughing because the thought of Taichi as a mummy is funny. Maybe I should suggest that to him next Halloween. Occasionally. It's just something fun to do every once in awhile, you know? Well, you probably don't know.  
Myself? What's to say about myself? It's Taichi that's having problems! Shouldn't you be more concerned with him? .....Oh, fine.  
Well, what all is there to tell you.. I'm seventeen. I think I said that already. I'm in a band, did you know that? We're becoming quite well-known. Oh, we're called the Teenage Wolves. You've heard of us? See! Everyone is starting to know us. The members.. Well, there's me, obviously. I'm lead singer and the bass guitar. Then there's Nyusumi. He's the keyboardist, and he's the one that originally started the band, along with his cousin Kenji. Kenji does the drums. Then Ratsuii, he's the lead guitarist and my main backup vocals. We've been together since we were twelve. We started producing music our second year. We released a single, called Himitsu. Two tracks it was. Himitsu and a song called budou wa budou da, ichigo ga ringo dewanai. We originally let Ratz write our songs before I took over. The single did fairly well. So we had an album, called Colors. There were 6 tracks, with a Bonus track. The bonus track did the best. But the song that made us famous was released as a single in our third year, when we fourteen. I wrote it, and it was called Tobira. You've heard it? Yeah, every fangirl within a 100 mile radius loved it. But I don't let the fame get to me. Sure, I'm glad we've been so successful and all, and I'd love to eventually get known world-wide, but if that never happens, I can live with that.  
My family? They're not.. Well, my mother isn't important. My dad works all the time, so I don't see much of him. But he does care about me. And of course I already mentioned Takeru. Takeru means everything to me. I can't imagine anything bad ever happening to him. Takeru is perfect, an innocent angel. I'm very proud to have him as my little brother. He calls me 'niichan'. It always makes me smile.. I want to see him now. I miss him. I haven't had a chance to go round lately and visit him. I've been busy. Funny, though, I can't really seem to recall with what... something. Oh well. It will come to me sometime. It always does.  
I haven't seen Taichi lately either, come to think of it. He hasn't bothered to drop by or anything. Do you know where he is? No? I wonder if anyone has seen him lately. I hope he's okay...   
  
"TAICHI!" I stumbled backwards, throwing my arms up, trying to block out the gruesome sight I'd just seen. "TAICHI!" This couldn't be happening...   
  
Ow... No, no, I'm fine. I just.. I don't know. It was weird. I had a flashback of some sort. I was screaming Taichi's name. Must have been one of our many fights. We used to fight a lot when we first met, did you know that? Yeah. We were eleven, and we were in the Digital World.. sometimes I really hated him then. It's strange how things turned out. I love him so much now, I can't understand how I used to despise him so.. but it's true. We were always fighting. Just ask anyone there with us. Mimi, Sora, Koushiro, Jou, Hikari, Takeru... they'd tell you. We got physical too, sometimes. Punching and what-not. Hurt too. Taichi can punch, though I never let that on to him. But it's all okay now. We love each other, and when we finish school and college, we're going to live together.  
Of course we are! Didn't I just say we loved each other? Taichi's my world. He's my soul mate, my other half.. I couldn't live without him. I'd crack up, go insane, break down..   
  
"Do you think he's ever going to be okay?" I asked, my face pressed up close to the one-way mirror. I watched him as he talked with the man, going on and on about his love, without ever remembering what had happened.  
I looked at the doctor next to me. "Will he ever come out of it, Doctor? Will he ever remember what happened?"  
"At this point we can't really be sure, Takeru. It was a pretty traumatic event for him, and he completely blocked it out in self defense. What he's saying right now is right. Now that Taichi is gone, he's broken down."  
"But there's at least a chance, right?" I pleaded, still not taking my eyes off my brother talking to the psychologist.  
"Sure, there's a chance," he replied. "Sometimes he seems to be coming out of it. We suspect those flashbacks he talks of every once in awhile are his mind trying to remember finding Taichi. I think that if he can just break down his mind's barriers, he'll come back down to reality."  
I considered that for a moment. "If.. if he does, what will he be like then, realizing Taichi's dead?"  
"Well, he'll probably be confused and skeptical. I don't think he'll quite understand everything at first. He probably will refuse to believe it, though in his heart he'll know it's true. Once he learns to accept that, he'll be really depressed. We'll have to watch him really closely then, help him work through the depression."  
I sighed. "I just wish he was okay again.."  
"We're doing everything in our power to help Yamato, Takeru, I want you to realize that."  
"I do. I understand you guys are trying to help him, and I thank you for that. And I know that finding Taichi dead like he did.. it couldn't have been easy. I just.. I don't understand why he didn't tell someone about Taichi. Maybe then Taichi could have gotten help before he killed himself.."  
"He'll probably be asking himself the same thing. But what he thought was true. Most self injurers want nothing to do with suicide. I'm sure he thought he could help Taichi enough."  
"Yeah.." I felt myself beginning to cry. I wasn't ashamed. I'd cried so many times these past months.. I continued to watch Yamato awhile longer, tears still rolling down my cheeks.  
After some time, I couldn't bear to watch Yamato any longer. It was too painful. I turned from the window and made my way out of the asylum, wondering if my brother would ever be okay again.   
  
© 2003 butterflie 14 December 2003 Sunday 1:23PM   
  
Author's notes: Yes, I know. Very, _very_ weird. Feel free to shoot me if this wasn't what you wanted. But I don't care. It was fun. I like it. Especially all the different povs, and the twisted end. Leave me a review, huh? Let me know if you liked it or not. And be honest. Thanks. Ciao, baby! 


End file.
